It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
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The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
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there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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