Michael Bay diarrhea
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
