all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
