I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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