I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
