I am midnight drunk by noon
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
