is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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