i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
