I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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