dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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