A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
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I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
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Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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