oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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