Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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