Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
