I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
