Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
