I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
