you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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