Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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