Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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