how can u be prego again
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
