Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
