hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Randomize
