I accidentally burped into my bong.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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