You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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