thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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