Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
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Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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