Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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