Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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