i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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