My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize