She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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