Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
she pinky promised me she was 18
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
