Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
