Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
