I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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