FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
