Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
this just has baby written all over it
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
