She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
