She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
