Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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