There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
