im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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