I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
