p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
