I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
