Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
