btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
