He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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