My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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