I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
