I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Randomize
