omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
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Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
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PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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