We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
