my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
