Swine flu. Run for my life!
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
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You know, be my cock's hype man.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
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Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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