I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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