He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
