someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
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well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
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He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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