I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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