she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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