totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
