i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
