some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
