you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
