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he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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