So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
This house was built for laser tag.
I love having hate sex.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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